Do you want to be more inseparable, but your pockets are very small? Or your government hates phones? Maybe you would be more inseparable from your phone if it weren’t for life’s unnecessary distractions, like education, or your family, or that pill you took at the club once that made you think your hands were flippers.

People will spend an average of five years on social media in their lifetime. Which is sad—until now!! Now you can beat that record with Cûf! Cûf (pronounced whatever way) is the ultimate in inseparability tech.

It lets the people in your life know immediately what they might only otherwise learn gradually, tearfully or if ever, text by text, notification by notification, over the course of a relationship that decomposes slowly and then all at once, like all the others: that anything your phone says or does at any moment is more important than them. How will you make replacement friends if you don’t thumb-heart everyone’s posts? Wait speaking of which—did you see the one with the llamas wearing shirts? My prescription’s ready! Uncle Dan should NOT be allowed on Facebook. What were you saying?