Are you and your phone inseparable? Do you want to be more inseparable, but your pockets are very small? Or your government hates phones? Maybe you would be more inseparable from your phone if it weren’t for life’s unnecessary distractions, like education or family, or that pill you took at the club once that made you think your hands were flippers.

People will spend an average of five years on social media in their lifetime. Which is sad—until now! Now you can be truly inseparable from your phone and beat society’s weakass record.

Cûf (pronunciation irrelevant) is the ultimate in inseparability tech. It’s a luxury handcuff phone case that lets the real people in your life know immediately what they might only otherwise learn gradually, painfully or if ever, notification by notification, over the course of a relationship that decomposes slowly and then all at once, just like all the others: that anything your phone says or does at any moment is more important than they are. How will you maintain your cyber friendships if you don’t double-thumb-heart everyone’s things? Speaking of which—Fernadette had her baby! Did you SEE her push present from Brampston? Omg wait look at these llamas wearing SHIRTS. Who let my Uncle Dan be on Facebook? What were you saying?