Products in varying states of physical, financial, and moral development.

Could-be goods

Let’s ruin Mars, too! With Thunderbois, the any-terrain space colonization tire.
Moving planets because you hate emails? Subscribe to the Mother Goods newsletter and get very few, maybe none!

Thunderbois

Tool manicure for the do-shit bitch

Tool Nails In Action

Tool Nails

Isn’t bread confusing?
Not anymore! Introducing Bread Bread Clips.
You know how the story goes. You get up earlier than you’d like, in a house that your neighbors make fun of, to make coffee in more steps than you care to take, and when you reach for your morning bread (that you paid for with MONEY) … what is this? The bread has gone bad, or it may as well have, because its little plastic thing is gone, and now you have to take this out on your kids.
See, we’ve been consuming sliced bread for so long that we’ve got sayings about sliced bread. But our bag fastening methods are stuck in the Middle Ages, with our options limited to silly, misplaceable wires or plastic tags.
That’s where Bread Bread Clips come in. With their state-of-the-art bread shape, Bread Bread Clips are fucking adorable. Available in whatever color you choose to 3D print it in, Bread Bread Clips come in sets of thirty slices that form teeny tiny loaves that make your heart not as mad. Pliable, able to secure most mass-produced bread bags, and too delightful to lose, Bread Bread Clips are here to usher sliced bread into the 21st century.
3D print your microloaf today!

Download 3D File

Bread Bread Clip

Grab a cocoa and cozy up beneath the patriarchy—with Blanket Statements!
Made the regular way with machines, Blanket Statements blankets are stitched with fun generalizations that can be read two ways, double entendre-style. Choose from “This is a blanket statement,” “It’s nice to be fair,” “Men will fuck you,” “Love is tender,” “People are trying,” or “Women are content.”
Read it one way when you feel up to confronting a world full of discrimination and hardship; read it the other way when you just cannot!

Buy Here

Blanket Statements

A phone case that makes chores less stupid

Sponge Case

Meet Manilures, the best of lures on land combined with the best of lures at sea! Mother New York hopes to support our new neighbors and work closely with a local nail salon and bait &amp; tackle shop to bring a yet-to-be-identified target audience this exquisite, unprecedented collab.

Manilures

Picture this: just kidding haha, you can’t picture anything! You haven’t even put your contacts in yet! It’s the crack of dawn and you’re groggy and blind as a day bat, ambling blurrily to the bathroom to do all your ugly morning stuff. But now what? Even WITH your contacts in, nothing’s intuitive! Your prescription ointment is in the same type of squeeze container as your toothpaste, your lotion looks like hand soap, your hand soap like genital wash, you sprayed deodorant on your toilet and Lysol in your armpits, and lately every scale you buy is broken.
Sure, humans take a lot of things for granted. But some (mostly bathroom) things take us humans for granted—like shampoo and conditioner, for instance. If I had a nickel for every time I ended up with a wasted fistful of the wrong hair goo, I’d have enough money to purchase ketchup &amp; mustard bottles and transfer my shampoo and conditioner into them so I’d never dispense them in the wrong sequence again … which is exactly what we did!
Introducing Head Sauce. Head Sauce helps bathers intuitively go about their hair care routines by tapping into mnemonic memory, creating a crystal-clear world order in the shower. Never again get bested by tiny print and confounding bottle combos. Everything you need to know about Head Sauce, you already do! Don’t believe us? Watch this: Adam &amp; Eve, Dolce &amp; Gabbana, Ketchup &amp; … Mustard! See? The answer is inside us all (Americans), and if you said something like “mayonnaise!,” no one can help you.
Anyway, we didn’t monetize this because you can just order these bottles for cheap and do it yourself, so wow, not only are we brilliant, but we’re generous, too?! 10/10 website.

Buy Your Own On Amazon

Sequentially obvious haircare products

Head Sauce

Workfromhomewear sweatsuit sets were created during the COVID-19 pandemic to support essential frontline workers.
“Essential workers” are defined as the people who had to put on real clothes and risk everything to preserve society while the rest of us farted out loud on video conference and wiped down cake before eating it. Unsurprisingly, the majority of essential workers are underpaid, underfunded, and under-appreciated. That’s why $20 from each full-set purchase is being donated to support them.
Sweatsuits are available in black and while supplies last.
RESTOCKING SOON. SIGN UP FOR UPDATES

Buy One Here

WFH uniforms that support essential workers

WFH Wear

Everyone should have access to the finer things. In fact, access to NICE things should only be granted to NICE people, regardless of their financial means. Shitty person? Shape the fuck up or be doomed to a life of equally shitty material items that crumble and smell. 
Anyway, if you want the appearance of owning a $1200 carry-on without spending a full month’s rent on an underwear box with wheels, we have the product for you! Introducing the Things You Want But Can’t Afford suitcase decal. Complete with 3D metallic ridges, it feigns the signature details of those fancy designer suitcases so you can glide through all the indignities of travel feeling even just a little more remarkable.

Convincing alternatives to high-end luxury goods

Things You Want But Can't Afford

2022

Dear Mother fans and fabulous followers,
Recently, we got a letter from a man named Vincent* who felt like an outcast when vaping in public. At Mother we’re trying to tackle world's greatest dilemmas so Vincent's plea for help couldn't be ignored.
Here you go: Vape Shades! These stylish sunglasses not only protect your precious peepers from the sun's rays, but they also have a discreet vape pen built into each of the arms.
With Vape Shades, Vincent can now vape in peace without feeling like an outsider. He can look cool and fashionable while enjoying his favorite pastime, free from the critical gazes of those who don't understand the vaping lifestyle.
At Mother, we don't claim to be perfect, but if inventing Vape Shades isn't saving the world bit by bit, we don't know what is! We may not condone smoking, but we're all about creative solutions for life's challenges. To Vincent and others who find comfort in our innovations, we're here for you, humbly and wholeheartedly.
Please give us a thumbs up/down to guide us whether we start the production on these or not.
*We don’t know a lot about Vincent, whether he’s a real person or maybe just some chatbot trolling us. The visualization of the man above is a product of our imagination and the 3D software Blender.

Vape Shades

Home is more than four walls and a roof over your head. It’s that warm ‘n fuzzy feeling where you can freely wander around in your bad pants, your favourite cartoon is always on and a familiar face waits around every corner. Frankly, it’s a feeling most of us take for granted. But millions of Ukrainian kids don’t have that luxury. They’ve had to flee their country and leave that sense of familiarity behind. So let’s welcome them into their new communities with a set of recognizable faces who speak their language… This special edition sticker series features the cartoon characters from some of Ukraine’s favourite children shows, along with welcoming phrases. Put them wherever Ukrainian children will see them - in classrooms, on text books, on the windows of your house, your pet dog… anywhere and everywhere you can to help Ukranian children feel welcome in their new home.
Order stickers for Ukraine (we can only send to addresses in the UK).

Order Stickers

Friendly Faces

An AI could have created this in seconds, but a human artist took 6 days. 
Using imagination and suggestions from a live audience, this artisanal piece required sleep and coffee and days off. 
It was very slow, but that’s okay. 
It is one of a kind.
Edge of Art (2022) 
Oil on canvas. 
150cm x 105cm
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The World’s first human ‘out painting’

Edge of Art

Like Manilures, Finglers were designed with our neighbors in mind. You see, Gowanus Canal fish haven’t seen other fish (or even lures that look like other fish) for decades, surviving, as they have, on pollution and corpse. So what would compel them to nibble at your standard commercial fishing lure? The bright fibers? Glittering paint? Hahahaha. Aaaaaahaha. Sorry, the idea of some shiny little thing being even remotely visible in the industrial runoff mayonnaise water of the canal is very funny to these fish, many of whom have never known laughter. 
Enter Finglers: a stunning, pragmatic mashup of faux human fingers and Mother Goods’ Manilures nail extensions that Gowanus fish will absolutely LOVE and actually try to bite, depending on whether they have mouths/where the teeth are located.

Riding one train car down from Manilures on the Extraordinary Global Success Choo Choo is Mother Goods’ latest human-finger-related innovation, Finglers!